Breaking Loops
Content warning: self-hate and disordered eating.
When writing a loop in code, you have the option to throw a break within it that will programmatically allow for an exit. This is pretty handy; it allows for something to stop repeating itself under certain conditions. I’ve found myself wishing more than once it was that easy to break a bad habit or jump out of a destructive pattern of thinking, or that someone would at least give me the API documentation for my internal programming. While it isn’t as easy as writing `break;`, I’ve learned through a bit of self work and a lot of movement, there is still a way to insert a break and move further on down your own script.
My loop was best exemplified by my running routine. I was living someone’s dream; working for a luxury fashion brand in New York City and going for runs in the most gentrified part of Brooklyn every morning. I bounced into work riding my runner’s high, completely thrilled at running faster and farther than I ever had before. I felt unstoppable, like I was in a “good” loop. It wasn’t long before I pushed myself too hard and got injured. I could no longer run daily due to the pain. As the weather got colder, I was running even less. I turned my frustration to myself, fully convinced my lack of discipline was to blame and an unforgivable offense. My morning runs that were once rooted in love and joy were now begrudgingly completed as a form of punishment.
Self-hate is cruel like that. My life became defined by constant punishment and the fear that I wasn’t good enough at being an employee, friend, or human. Even the most basic human functions became a means of suffering. “Why are you going to bed? You’re behind on your work.” “Why are you eating today? You ate 3000 calories yesterday when I told you to only eat 300.” My eating was the most disordered it had ever been and I was sleeping maybe 4 hours a night.
I finally noticed my loop one morning. I was at the office that made me miserable, listening to Bethany two rows over order breakfast and demand “no carbs” of a diner employee over the phone for the 1000th time, when I realized that I truly and deeply hated myself. I locked myself in a bathroom stall and texted one of my closest friends. I told her my revelation and thanked her for sticking with me through everything. Her response hit me like a concrete slab: “You’re worth sticking around for.”
Worth was something I’d lost. Her words were so meaningful, but I knew they would be even more valuable coming from myself. Now that I’d seen my loop and all the damage it was doing, it was time to get to work. I stopped weighing myself. I changed jobs. I laced up for the first time in months, put on my favorite music, and went for a run in the park. The weather wasn’t great and I was a lot slower than I used to be, but it was the most beautiful run of my life. I appreciated that I was able to move through and see this beautiful, imperfect park, cracked sidewalks and all. This run was worth it, and I was on my way to believing I was too.
This journey was part of what brought me to ASICS Digital. The office culture places such importance on wellness (in every sense of the word), and that aligned with the outlook I was working to have. I found myself encouraged to move more and do it because it felt good as I was doing my best to remember that movement could be enjoyable in the first place.
Bodies and minds are so connected, and I’d been working most of my life to disconnect the two. My mind was damaging my body, and that was the core function of my loop. “Mind over matter,” I’d repeat to myself as I pushed myself to injury. I had it all wrong, and movement helped me realize that. I ran when I felt like it and adopted a daily yoga practice, during which I was feeling and listening to everything my body had been trying to tell me for years.
If identifying the issue and rewriting scripts are the first two steps of breaking a loop, releasing is the third. Once your changes are tested and verified, you release that work and move on. Sitting and writing this has been my “release notes,” so to speak. I rewrote a lot of code within myself and reviewed the changes. Now it’s time to send it out, maybe go for a run or lift some weights as a form of physical release, and be fully free of that loop.
Thank you, Clarissa. You worked really hard on this one. It was worth it, and so are you.
